Jesse (rathael) wrote,
Jesse
rathael

...Serene.

I've been...thinking. Not in the way I most often do, in the pessimistic, blind self/others-hating mode of assumptions and accusations. It's been a more calm, realistic thought. What makes this different and how I know it's different, I can't explain. It just...is. I've just read through some old old MSN logs...some important ones, some casual ones. All gave me an important window into my past life, and how I'm repeating the same mistakes. How I haven't improved upon that which I always hated in myself, and how everyone's "incorrect assumptions/judgments" about me have actually been...accurate, to an extent. At the very least, I can now see where they come from. For that purpose, I'd like to say what I believe I said many posts ago (it seems I do this on a regular basis), though this time...it just means more. It'll probably read the same, but...I dunno I guess I mean it more, and hopefully I'll make it MEAN something and not have it in vain, as I now have a fortune cookie fortune posted on my lightswitch that informs me of the simple truth I've always lived by: that actions speak louder than words. That being said, let me give you these quiet words. I'm sorry. Yet again, I'm apologizing, and by now, it's certainly lost it's merit to most, if not all of you. I can only hope that you can trust that this time it means more than usual, and I can also only hope that I can prove it to you in the days/months/years to come. I am sorry, for the way I've treated you all. It's unfair for me to think I've really affected anyone extreme amounts, but I feel an apology is in order anyway. I beg all of you to ask me individually, should you care to hear what specific wrongs I've become aware of my doing to you, but if I must speak generally for now, I will. By and large, my "know-it-all" attitude has been apparent. I've always hated being called a know it all or an egotistical person, but the fact is, it seems to be true. Through the conversations I've read, I've realized I've done nothing but support this outlook on myself. I've realized many more of the mistakes I've made in past relationships, and that their endings or their drifting have been my fault. I've realized I've given the impression that I think I'm smarter than you all, which logically I know is not the case, yet my behavior shows otherwise, and actions speak louder than words. So how can you take my word at it, and how can all this talking and begging you to change your opinions of me really mean anything, when the way I treat you all hasn't changed? Well, I'm going to try changing it. Again. For real. In fact, should I ever lose myself to these flaws again, I ask that you all bluntly and rudely remind me. I promise I won't hold it against you. I'll take it to heart and try to remember. All that being said, I guess I just felt that even though these words mean nothing, I felt they should be declared anyway. Please, people. At least let me know you've read this. A small comment saying "Read." is all I'll need. There are those of you that I've wronged more than others, and should a personal apology actually mean anything to you, please let me know. I'm not going to pester you all with individual apologies at this random time, because chances are most of you will only be bothered by them. And I realize that asking for an apology sounds stupid, but you all deserve specific, one-on-one apologies (what you don't deserve is me forcing one on you, should you not want it). How I've acted the past 15 or so years is...inexcusable. I think that's all I have to say for now, I hope you all read this.
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